I can't go on wondering if things will ever turn out the way I want... God and his will has become a life long struggle I've yet come to terms with... Dreams deferred once too often coupled with heartbreak has broken a spirit that once roamed freely in this world of ours... Who's played such a cruel joke on me.. by making me wish and hope and yearn for what I cannot have? Why is it the things I am to ideally seek are oftentimes so painful to obtain? Why? I always asked as a little kid.. My mom in her infinite wisdom would calmly say.. Because things are what they are because they is young brotha.. Young brotha young brotha... in a world gone mad.. How can I possibly make sense of things that are so confusing at this day and time...? Will life ever become easier? Or will I have to resign myself to continual heartache and everlasting pain? Will I have to come to terms with the fact that what I want may not ever be? Yet will I be constantly haunted with a desire called temptation and the promise of happy tomorrows if only I endure the pain? How long..not long... But long times to me are but short spells in the eyes of the world.. Life goes on in spite of my discomforts and in spite of my pain.. Ironically my pain is nothing compared to thew pain of the one next to me.. who eyes my jealously and yearns for what I already have... what I already have what I already have In these times of love and mistrust.. will I ever hit the mark in a way that leaves my heart fulfilled...? Or will empty vessels and broken vessels and vessels that aren't vessels at all continue to be on the road before me... leading me to another day and another time where what I want is not what I will get...? Cynical? Maybe.. Bitter ? perhaps.. I feel profoundly sad that all that we know is not all that we be... Compassionate outlooks and understanding gestures.. are often met with a call to be the diabolical figure you wish not to become and that are encouraged not to be.. yet life's results leave you wondering.. why continue the uphill climb when the party is downstairs on the ground floor...? God and his will is a lifelong struggle.. I've yet come to terms with... Still I love my father.. although I do not understand his ways.. I'm a gentle soul in a torrid world who seeks refuge from one who no longer wants it to rain... My spirit has grown weary of this uphill climb.. My spirit is tired from holding this cross... Shall I stay or shall I go? A most difficult question when you've come this far... and have a ways to go... and dreams continue to be dashed hopes that torment your soul...Chilandro
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